Hi! This'll be a pretty unusual blog post, as I'll be talking about how my feelings are feeling and how they've changed over time. This will be deeply personal. It might be difficult to read or understand. It might meander. It might write more like this in the future.

This article is intended for mature audiences. I talk about weird sexuality and weird sex. Please decide whether that is comfortable and age-appropriate for you before you read any further.

Asexuality

Over the last few years, I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality, and it's been a pretty confusing and frustrating topic to get my head around. In particular, I've been wondering if I'm asexual. Try as I might, I haven't been able to fully embrace or refuse the label. It sort of fits me, but not enough for me to be happy accepting it. I've blamed this as the label's fault. After all, labels are just shortcuts. They're limited, they can only describe the most common cases. There's no way one word could possibly capture the diverse sexuality of every human. My sexuality is probably too complex and not as clear-cut for what a label demands. The label is binary - either you have it or you don't. Am I somewhere in between?

Asexuality is generally defined as experiencing little-to-no sexual attraction.

You might be wondering how can I not be sure whether I'm asexual or not. Shouldn't I know?

Well, I've always found it a bit icky to think about genitals and doing sex with them, especially penetrative sex. Genitals are the least sexy part of sex for me! I don't think sex reassignment surgery would change that ick either. This repulsion can be common for asexual people, but it doesn't define asexuality. If I experienced sexual desire in other ways despite my repulsion for genitals, then I wouldn't be asexual.

I lived with my (now-ex) (formerly-long-distance) partner from October 2023 to April 2024. Before we had met in person, I was excited to try new sexual ideas with her and learn more about my sexuality and what I wanted from sex. But once we were actually living together, I felt pretty ambivalent and disinterested about being intimate with her.

It seemed like my sexual desire had faded and faded over time. If it had, then I was okay with that. Maybe I am asexual after all, and I'm not just not interested in that, and I can put a lid on the question, and it's totally fine.

I thought I was asexual because I didn't feel anything for her.

Forms of desire

Over the last 4 years, my sexual desire has gradually changed from being primarily driven by physical appearance, to being primarily driven by the emotions and feelings in my head. However, this change was so slow and gradual, that I didn't even notice my feelings were changing in this way. Since I continued to use the same strategies for being horny, I had a decreasing interest in them over time. I did notice this change, and I interpreted it an overall reduced libido.

This 4-year change seems to have happened at the same time as my hormones and my body changing as I've transitioned from male to female. Since women overwhelmingly self-report as being less sex focused than men, I assumed that libido was chemically constructed, and mine was decreasing in response to my change in hormones.

But it turns out it wasn't a decrease, it was a change in form, and I didn't notice until late last August, when I had a conversation that made me realise this all of a sudden. This conversation changed my life. Before then, I wasn't comfortable with my sexuality, I wasn't comfortable thinking about sex, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what I was. I was a walking contradiction.

Since then, I've had quite an adjustment period where I've been learning more about my new self, and discovering what gets me going. I've been exploring new ideas as well as old kinks that I'd actually forgotten about. It turns out that I am very much sexual!

So, the reason that I didn't feel much for her was because I was just not emotionally into her. My loss of feelings for her combined with my shift to being sexually driven by feelings rather than appearance meant that there was nothing there for me to feel.

Forms of attraction

As a side note, it has also been really difficult for me to untangle my feelings and understand the differences between how platonic attraction, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction feel. I haven't been able to comprehend what I'm feeling.

I've had a lot of messy feelings about different people. If I'm friends with someone, it's hard for me to know whether I want to change our relationship by asking them out or asking them if they want to have sex. If I'm right about my feelings, it could end up being exciting and rewarding, but if I'm wrong, it could hurt me and them too.

One time I did act on my feelings was with a friend that I visit pretty often. We've been very open with each other about our feelings and our relationships. For instance, after I broke up with my now-ex partner, my feelings were hurting in a lot of different ways, and he really helped me to feel better about them.

Some time later, I started having feelings about him that I didn't understand. I felt like it could be exciting to be sexual with him, and I was almost going to mention it once, but I was really conflicted and ultimately ended up not doing so. It wasn't long after that that he said he was attracted to me. I threw caution to the wind and we started kissing, but I immediately realised that it felt really wrong and bad, and I was shocked, and I quickly stopped and apologised. It just wasn't meant to be. This was scary, and it didn't work out well, but it was still a good learning experience and fortunately we're still good friends.

I swallowed my pride and checked out a sex education book from the library: Welcome to Sex by Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes. It seemed to be aimed at audiences younger than I am, but I still found it incredibly helpful. It didn't only talk about sex and safe sex. It talked about relationships, and relationship dynamics, and feelings, and how different kinds of feelings feel. This book was fantastic for me, and I highly recommend it to anybody who's not quite sure about their place in the world of feelings. I'm surprised by how much it taught me and how much better it made me feel.

Discovering what turns me on

So I learned that I'm now primarily turned on by really intense feelings. It's actually quite simple to appeal to the feelings side of my brain: introduce some power dynamics! One person having power over the other? That is extremely very hot and I am into that! (I was telling my flatmate about this and they laughed and said "BDSM saves the day again.")

If I imagine myself in a power dynamics situation, it's so good, and if I imagine myself in a sex acts situation, it's mildly to very uncomfortable.

Since power dynamics are so heavily based in feelings, and the feelings can feel incredible by themselves, you don't even need to involve genitals. You can understand why this combination appeals to me so much.

If you don't know much about power dynamics or kink, I think you should first read some of Rhea Gustavsson's writing about BDSM. I've quoted her a few times in the next section.

My Grand Unified Theory of Power Dynamics

There's two ways to do power: control, and caretaking.

Control is like, constructing and asserting power. It's about imposing it (consensually!) on the other person. It's also referred to as discipline. It can involve physical stuff like restraints and pain, or emotional stuff like begging, humiliation, and fear. You really MAKE the power. You build yourself up and make the other person submit.

Sometimes I just have a look about me, a mischievous look on my face, as I confidently decide to approach my partner for no damn reason… And she melts, she tries to hide behind a blanket, hoodie, chair, anything. Should there be nothing to hide behind but an empty vr playspace, she crumbles onto the floor, screaming “no” in panic and begging for mercy. And I like that, I like the fear in her eyes. And she loves to feel overpowered - both physically, as well as mentally.

Source: Fear by Rhea Gustavsson

Caretaking, sometimes called soft dom, is the reverse of this. Rather than forcing and imposing power, the dominant offers, and as a submissive, you welcome this, you want it, you want to accept rather than fear. It's still consensual, of course, but unlike control, the acceptance is part of the scene itself. As a dominant, you offer opportunities to feel safe. You offer love, you offer rules, you offer to take away the person's worries, you offer that they don't have to think about anything anymore. As a submissive, you get to relax into a peaceful, almost childish state where you can simply trust your caretaker to look after you and do what's right.

It’s using words, tone, body language and other forms of non-verbal communication to achieve connection, to inspire and coax obedience as opposed to commanding or demanding it. To achieve submission without the need to be aggressive. A soft dom/me will treat the submissive with respect, without humiliation. They radiate power, but don’t have to exercise it, they don’t have to yell. [...] A submissive feels guided and feels like they just want to fall underneath the dominant, they want to submit - they’re not commanded to do it though. Submissive spends much more time in sub-space as opposed to hard dominance. A good [caretaker] is the best owner for a new, insecure, or previously abused submissive.

Source: Soft Dominance by Rhea Gustavsson

While control and caretaking are kind of opposites, it's possible to combine them in a scene. An example of this is petplay. You have to make your pet behave obediently (control), but you also have to take care of your pet and make sure their needs are met (you offer and they give up control, so it's caretaking).

Waking up can be difficult when you’re being tested by the entire universe. Having someone to wake up for though makes it a bit easier. I’m out of my bed, rushing downstairs for my first meeting of the day, I shout at my pet to wake up. “Yes mistress” she mumbles in a way that you’d normally not understand, but I’m used to deciphering the morning mumbles now. She’s got just enough time for the bathroom stuff while I’m in my meeting, after which she will be right here with me. “Sit,” I tell her as she walks to my office, she sits next to me, hugging my leg. “Good morning?” Still sleepy, mumbles again “Good morning mistress…” She gets a headpat, but I can’t seem to free my arm now. It was attacked by a cuddly beast that hugs everything in sight. Oh well.

Source: Clingy pet by Rhea Gustavsson

Power dynamics and me

I'm into power dynamics, I'm into control, but I'm REALLY into caretaking. Specifically, being taken care of.

I've been through a lot. It's so tiring. The world is so tiring. I've worked so hard to try to make myself into the person I want to be, and I'm spent. I feel like a shell of myself trying to survive.

your mind feels like it's constantly running on overtime, desperate for a break. and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to relax. whether it be your bouncing leg, biting your fingers/lip, or picking/scratching your skin, you can't just /stop./ but you want it to stop /so/ badly. you feel drained, inhuman, a would-be corpse. you're tired. you're done. and after all you've been through, i don't blame you. i hear you. your mind is constantly swarming with the worst possible scenario, the what ifs, the can and can't do's, it's too much all at once and you're trying to be there for too many people at the same time. so much so that it feels like you can't talk about everything happening to you.

source: how fucked up are you (by my standards) by venascortas on uquiz

I have so many worries and it never stops moving. I'm just stressed out. I'm a wreck of a woman.

Wouldn't it be so nice to have somebody who can promise the world, who offers to make me feel better, who offers to take away my material reality, who offers to take me to a place out of time where I can get these damn thoughts of my head and just fill my mind with her, who can pick up the pieces of my shell and patch me back together, crumb by crumb? Wouldn't it be so nice to give up control to her and let her take care of me? To not have to worry about anything when I have her?

All these worries, all this trauma... to give that away to someone who could whisper words into my ear and make it all melt away?

Yes this is a kink thing. But, again, it's not exactly about the sex. I don't want sex out of this, I want caretaking. It's about feeling good. It's about power.

Pretty Girls with Mental Disorders

🎶 Helblinde - Pretty Girls with Mental Disorders

They've invented a new type of girl, and she can promise the world.

There are some personality disorders, like narcissistic or borderline, which give people an extremely inflated sense of self-importance, such as being the most beautiful person in the world, being a saint, being a god, and generally thinking the world revolves around them. This isn't hyperbole, they literally think they are gods. In my experience, it is generally a bad idea to form a relationship with these people, as they are very unstable and unpredictable. They are hard to reason with. They don't operate on the same basic logical reality as me. They have very high emotional needs and they will demand you fill these needs. If I don't fill their needs, they will feel very very bad, and they will hurt me - not in a fun way - until I give in and do what they want, at whatever cost to me. Conflicts happen in all relationships. Most people want to come to a resolution. People with personality disorders want to win, and therefore they will make me lose, no matter what.

Well the way I described these people sounds horrible! If I'm correct and not misleading you, then being in a relationship with one of these people would be a dreadful idea!

But I only described the bad times, the lowest of the lows. And the highs? The highs are very, very high. When a person like that is in a good mood, when they're self-actualising on all cylinders, they... it's... it's impossible to describe. It's amazing. I can throw away my fears and completely lose myself in them. I can give them control and they can use it in fantastic ways. They can take me places I've never even dreamed of. They can promise the world, and they can actually deliver it.

The insane amount of self-confidence is so fucking intoxicating.

Are you with me? If you think you're with me, then when you're ready, please open this block, and you'll understand. You'll get it.

I know how irrational this desire is. I know exactly much it could hurt me - I've lived it before. My head is screaming at me, no, no, no, bad idea, this will really genuinely hurt you, this could kill you. And despite that... my heart longs to have that experience again.

So that's why I find pretty girls with mental disorders so alluring. It's not the mental disorders themselves, it's because the mental disorders give them delusions of grandeur, making them think and act like a literal angel saviour.

Great stuff Cadence, excellent, splendid, wonderful, brilliant, spectacular, marvellous, unbelievable, outstanding, fabulous, superb, terrific, amazing,

Thank you, thank you. Well that's pretty much what's been going with my sexuality. I also have stuff going on with my identity! Let's talk about that too!

Before I can explain that I have to go back a bit and talk about caretaking again. Remember caretaking? When you give up control and let someone look after you. Consider these pieces:

• Passivity (lack of initiative)
• Being physically smaller
• Hair brushing
• Dress-up
• Beautiful
• Innocent
• Cute

Yes, these could all be good components of being the smaller one in caretaking. You know what else this applies to? Dolls!

Dolls

Dolls are so cool! Wouldn't it be cool to be a doll? It would be a really good form of caretaking! Having someone dote on me, dress me up, make me look all pretty, keep me as a little passive obedient good doll, play with me the way they want to...

Okay, I'm still cooking on this one. I am definitely dollcoded and mannequinpilled. I haven't quite figured it out yet, not quite, but there's really good potential here.

Struggle, war, and damage

You know the anime trend of combat girls, combat robogirls, combat dollgirls? These beings that were designed only for fighting. That's their one purpose. It's what they were made for. They have minds, maybe, but they are one track minds, perhaps brainwashed or programmed so the war is all they care about. Identity and personality missing so all they know is the battle.

What happens to them after the war is over? After they can't fight any more?

You'd have these dolls designed only for fighting, who've now taken physical damage like missing limbs, and mental damage like PTSD, and at least for them the war is over, and they have to return "home", wherever their home is supposed to be, and try to reintegrate into the rest of society, but it's simply not what they were designed for.

With their broken minds, like a fish out of water, these damaged girls are trying so hard to act normal and talk to people and live in a world that just feels so wrong against their metal and glass bodies. They try to form a routine, try to go to third spaces, try to talk to people. But it's just so hard. And the noises keep coming back.

Synthetic, nonliving, expressionless. Damage, abandonment, dissociation. And then sprinkle in some moe 💫🌟

Putting it all together

Remember how I said I'm a wreck of a woman? Remember the struggle I described? The pieces of me that have fallen off as I continue struggling through it all? My desire to be a pretty, perfect, mended doll?

I have been cooking up a new aesthetic. It's called derelict moe.

And it's me.

...

Did you know I got gender euphoria from an abandoned mannequin in a Tom Scott video?

Source: The metres-high mountain of mannequins in the Midlands by Tom Scott at Mannakin, Lincolnshire [3:35]

I've actually had that photo saved on my phone for a little over 3 years now, relegated to the deep depths of the screenshots folder. When I first saw it, I was confronted with a huge wall of emotions that I didn't know how to process at the time.

To tell the truth, I still don't know how to process them. I don't know where to take them from here. Writing this blog post is part of that - this is writing for me to help me organise my thoughts.

I also have to give an honourable mention to Damiko:

Source: VRChat avatar ダミコ / DAMIKO by AugmentedDolls (check out their other models too!)

Look at her! She has a seatbelt! She's so safe :)

Her design is a perfect demonstration of what I've been talking about. She's synthetic, nonliving, constructed. She has visible doll joints. She was built for a purpose, a purpose that is ultimately going to hurt her. She accepts her fate. She shows a limited range of emotions, all of which are melancholy. She will make sacrifices. She will be damaged. She's so moe.

Conclusion

How am I supposed to write a conclusion to... *gestures* whatever the heck all that was?

It's impossible for me to write a conclusion on a topic that I myself don't fully understand yet. There's no neat ending if I'm still working through all this in my own head.

Some of the things in here I think I understand fairly well, like how I've processed my last breakup, and how my causes of sexual desire have pivoted from physical to emotional. That's because I've been thinking about them very intensely over the last 6 months, I've been tossing them around in my head, and I've managed to cook them down into a meal that I can serve to you, my wonderful reader. Some of the things in here are a lot more recent, a lot more raw, which I simply haven't processed yet. Maybe in another 6 months from now, I'll have thought about them enough. But for now they remain questions that I don't have the answers to.

Despite this never-ending struggle, I can still feel proud of myself for the progress I've made so far. I feel significantly more confident and knowledgeable about myself than how I felt a year ago.

So this blog post will be perpetually unfinished and will drift out of date in the days and years after I publish it. And that's okay. After all, this post is about my life, and my life is ever-changing as well. The person I'll be tomorrow or next year will be different from who I am today.

Takeaways

• Get people to proof-read your blog post before you publish.
• Be wary of really hot people. They might have a personality disorder.
• Check out a sex education book from the library.
• Talk to your friends, or even strangers, and be open with them. Be vulnerable. Help each other with your struggles. I couldn't have figured any of this without someone to talk to, to reflect ideas off, and to suggest new ideas that I wouldn't have come up with by myself.

Good luck on your journey!

Cadence